As many of you know, October 15th is the National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. This includes all babies who have died because of miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or any other infant death. I didn't know this until I saw it on Bring The Rain, a blog I read as often as I can. Angie, the author of Bring the Rain, and her family have experienced some very devastating losses in recent months and she asked that anyone who wanted to share any losses they had experienced and that others pray for those precious ones who shared their personal experience.
After some of the comments I received on my birthday post a few days ago, I decided to participate on my own blog. I lost my first baby on March 24, 2003 at 8 weeks. This baby would have been due on November 14, 2003. I lost my second baby on April 11, 2004 in the 4th month. This baby would have been due on my birthday, October 9, 2004. The D&C was done on April 11 which is my MIL & my nephew, Chase's birthday(and later my niece Maggie, in 2007).
I think of those angel babies often. I have ultrasound pics and a couple of gifts I received for the second baby. I never look at them, but I know where they are....just in case I want to someday.
On this day of remembrance though, I also want to remember a baby that wasn't mine, but that still profoundly affects my life. I know that he always will.
On July 14, 2003, as I was lying in bed, my husband's fire department radio went off. I held my breath as I heard the call going out. An infant, unresponsive. I started praying. I heard the address go out. It was 1/4 mile up the road from my house. Then I heard one of the firefighters in a panicked voice say that no one in the all volunteer department knew how to perform CPR on an infant.
I'd never performed CPR on an infant, only adults, but I had been trained in how to do so. I had a brief (I say brief because all of the things up to this point took about 2 minutes to unfold) discussion with God as I jumped in my car, mainly complaining how in the world could this be happening, when I'd just lost my own baby a few months before? I can't do this, God! His response? YES YOU CAN! GO!!
When I got there, I remember parking and running down the road. I kicked off my flip flops so I could run faster. I met a fireman, crying, falling to his knees, as I started into the house. I could hear screams, begging, pleading.
"Oh dear God, Help me!"
When I got to where the baby was lying on the couch his grandmother was draped over him sobbing. I pulled her back and said, "let me see if I can help him." She said, "no! you might hurt him!" I grabbed both of her hands and said with a calmness that came straight from God, "look at me, I promise I won't hurt him, let me see if I can help him!"
As I did compressions on the baby, I had the grandmother helping me breathe, just because I could see that she needed so desperately to be doing something....just as everyone else in that room did. I continued CPR, praying....I could hear those young parents screaming, sobbing, begging, pleading, in the background. A local paramedic arrived just moments before the ambulance and took over CPR, then carried him to the hospital in the ambulance.
I don't know how long this all took. It seemed like hours. As I walked outside, one of the firemen handed me my shoes. I went home and cried....for that baby, for those parents,... for my baby.
Jayden Kyler went home to be with God that morning. I don't believe he felt my compressions, I believe God had already taken him home. I went back to the grandmother's house the next day. I didn't know them, I just felt like I needed to tell them how sorry I was. What I didn't expect was for that precious grandmother to stop her conversation and greet me as I walked in. To apologize to me for screaming at me, and to thank me profusely for trying to help baby Jayden. I didn't expect that broken mother to hug me, again, thanking me over and over.
I felt like such a failure, to that precious baby....to my own, yet God showed me in those days following Jayden's death that He didn't always promise to answer our prayers as we see fit, but as He sees fit.......and in His time.
Jayden's family is still such a blessing to me. I don't see them without getting a big hug! I can't tell you how much joy it brings me to pass by their house now and see a swing set outside....with 2 beautiful little boys playing, and a smiling Mother watching them nearby.
I know there was a time when that mother didn't think she would ever smile again.
But she did.
.......in His time.
Please feel free to share your own experiences with your comments. Do so anonymously if you wish. Also, please join me as I pray over each comment. Thank you!
This Saturday’s Recipes by The Pioneer Woman
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